Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Perfect Indian Wife

This post has been deleted....

Hi.. sorry this post got deleted cause it was suggested that it was a little too obvious who the post was about...

so its gone..

but feel free to discuss it further...

to cut a long story short its about meeting expectations of being a "Perfect Indian Wife"
something I know I will never be... but I am still jealous of those who have been labeled this by people around me.

19 comments:

Nishu said...

Dont feel jealous or hurt but yes, indian women have "SOME" special charm. Its the way they feel shy when looked upon, the way they react when hurt or loved, they way they dress up themselves for husbands, they way they gossip about their mother in laws yet remain charming n sober in their eyes apart from husband's, that make them at the top of world..atleast it turns me on!

French, Spanish, Italian, Russian and brazilians are certainly beautiful but without a doubt, they dont have the qualities which can make them touch the perfect divine feminine.. hmmm .. Yeh, men fall for beauty thats why they still rein my mind thou' my eyes search for that perfect indian girl which i described... agreed, these qualities are not inborn and anyone can aquire them.

hmmm ... i found someone to bore from these things.. LOL (^_^)

Gundu White Girl said...

Real people know that no one is perfect. It's irritating because when I hear I think that person believes this perfect person is so great that she can live up to an imperfect standard.

Really, it's just a set up for failure. Real people know this...unfortantely too many people live in an ultra reality. ;))

Nishu, am I correct in guessing that you aren't married? After being married for four years I find those traits annoying...IHMO...

Nishu said...

white girl (^_*).. i'm not married yet, true, why annoying..unless she starts nagging, i'll never mind her. I'm the BEST listener a girl can find..thats why i know so many secrets of many of my frens (^_^)... hey gori girl..no updates yet?

yum said...

Nishu, I think thats exactly the kind of judgemental comments that make GG feel bad and I guess every woman in the world hears how some other woman or group of women are somehow better than them. I also think to some extent you have a "bollywood" idea of an Indian wife, and gg, you probably do too. I think women are women anywhere.

Plus, have you heard the saying "One mans trash is another's treasure". Well it didnt refer to women, but im sure we can all agree that every person has their pos and neg, and each husband sees something HE likes in his wife, doesnt matter what someone else likes. its also not all about beauty.

Saurabh Garg said...

I love reading your blog, but I think this post is really weird. There is no such as a "perfect Indian wife", unless there is a thing like "perfect Indian inlaws" or "perfect Indian husbands". Who cares what others think of you if you and your husband are happy with your life and relationship. Parents shouldn't worry about anything but your happiness either.

voixdange said...

My ex is from Kerala. After his last trip home and the stories he told of his family all of my myths about "perfect" Indian families, or what have you, are totally shattered. He described all the same dysfunctions I connect with American families . . . all those years I spent trying to live up to a fictitious standard. Be yourself, love you . . . all of you.

Gundu White Girl said...

Nishu,

I posted an update a week ago I believe. I think the whole thing really pissed off dh because he hasn't called them back.

I don't think the post is wierd at all. In fact, I'm glad Gori Girl is brining it up. It is so annoying to hear my inlaws talk about the perfect Indian wife. Or, that my husband could have had one!!

No woman is perfect, but Indian inlaws believe that there are certain ones that are. Although I can say I've never seen this idea last it's so annoying. It's said almost to be demeaning. Like I'm not adding up or something...

Nishu said...

Oh sorry, i never meant to hurt anyone or to start some illogical discussion on a thing like perfect indian wives which is soo subjective in nature.. may be its all "mythological" in my mind. But still, the one who doesnt believe in perfect indian "houseWives", i doubt they are true to their intentions. Boys, girls, married, unmarried, whatever, it doesnt matter if they are brought up in a Joint Hindu Family, they must have some tilt towards this idea..

I've seen myself many girls who adore the idea of being perfect indian housewives. I agree, there may not be many, but they exist. I again want to emphasis my Publically neglected statement earlier that the "perfect indian housewife qualites are not inborn and ANYONE can acquire them."

I guess its just the idea of serving the family and husband which majorly has been found in Indian housewives, that the term "Perfect indian housewife" is coined. Its just the views...it varies from person to person and yes, it changes with time also within a person. If i cant find any, i'll relinquish this idea.. but what's wrong in being hopeful..haha, unless i found someone as beautiful n charmiing as GG, i may be pursuing everything in india. GG's comment is awaited. (^_^) smiles, have a nice day

GoriGirl said...

Nishu... Iam charming.. haha thats a laugh.. trust me based on your fantasy of a "perfect Indian Wife" I would only leave you terrible dissapointed Just ask my husband ..lol

all in all I would like to know what actually DEFINES a "Perfect Indian Wife" I know it is a termed used, I know I am NOT one but what actually is one??

GoriGirl said...

I dont know if you are all getting the same type of google ads on this blog but i found it very amusing that as I opened up this post "Perfect Indian Wife" I got an Australian Ad for Online Divorce!! .. haha someone telling me somehting.. cause I aint listening...

C said...

To add my 2 cents..

Most of the so called perfect Indian wives as referred to by the in-laws and/or the husbands are usually the ones who traditionally serve, sacrifice to the extent that you are taken advantage of.

And as my husband says, what is the fun in being married to the 'perfect wife'? He says, he'd rather be with someone who can challenge him and make him think/rethink the basic assumptions (especially the cultural ones) that we all grew up with!

Grace said...

Okay, I was away for a few days and missed the original post. Why did you delete it Gori Girl? I'm sure I would be able to relate with this since DH and I just had a fight about how I relate with his mom... (and I'm sure a perfect Indian wife would never do what I do...)

GoriGirl said...

Grace.. now Iam curious what do u do ???? lol

TexAg said...

Wow!I am an Indian(non hindu)and married to a French girl, and I can never imagine my wife having to undergo the torture of living with irrational,superstitious,whimsical parochial,hypocritical people that a lot of Indians are. I am simply amazed at your patience.

Lydia said...

I am an American women married to a South Indian man. I understand how you feel about trying to be the 'perfect Indian wife'(PIW)! After reading other's comments, here is what I have to say. Serving your family is the main proponent of being the PIW. Some people have posted that serving others is a burden that one should not have to endure. But whether you are Indian, American or other, a serving heart is a good thing! It is one of the qualities that builds a person up.

I have found that I have very little of that 'special charm' nichu was talking about, but that by serving my family with all of my heart, I AM the perfect Indian wife. I do what I can when I can and I try not to feel grudging about it. It is also helpful to serve ones community in this way. Being taken advantage of only happens when YOU are doing something YOU don't want to do but feel pressured into. If you make the choice on your own to serve others you are not being taken advantage of. A little submission doesn't hurt now and again, but WHEW that's even harder than a serving heart and I haven't quite mastered it yet...

Gori Girl said...

Hi - I found this blog by searching gorigirl, as I've recently started a blog at http://gorigirl.com/ . It looks like you aren't posting here anymore, but if you do see this, I hope you don't mind me using this name. My blog is on intercultural relationships, with a particular emphasis on relationships where one partner is South Asian. Come check it out if you get a chance!

Sharath said...

"Women are women everywhere.."

So very true. They are capable of making men want to kill themselves everywhere (j/k).

On a more serious note, I think there will be perfectly accomodating and mature minded girls who adore the idea of PIW, really smart girls that can strike the perfect balance with their own needs and those of the family, as well as selfish stubborn nagging b***ches in all cultures and all races. Stereotypes simply do not exist (IMO).

And Lydia...(clap clap clap...and low bow with respect)

Sharath said...

In vedic india, the purpose of life itself was to serve others. As per the law of Karma, one attains a human life as a result of punya (virtue is a loose translation) and is a very rare gift. Having worked thru many lives to attain this cherished birth, one is advised to discharge his/her duties without expectation of reward. Duty without expectation is really the punchline of Karma and not so much the "what goes around comes around" phrase I heard in USA.

Expectation is what brings the "comes round" part of action.

So human life is divided into 4 stages: Bramhacharya (Student), Grihasta (Householder), Vanaprastha (Retire to solitude), Sanyasa (Renunciation).

Humans are also bound by 5 major "debts": Debt to the God(s), Debt to the Saints and Teacher, Debt to Parents and Ancestors, Debt to Nature and Debt to Society.

The Grihastas (Householders) basically support people in the other three phases, and marriage is a sacred "sacrifice" where two people decide to come together for life to dischage their debts and to support society with donations and service. While all four stages invovle to some degree, repaying debts to God, Saints, Nature and Society, the Grihasta has the added responsibility of discharging debt to Parents and ancestors.

Since the whole of life is meant to be a sacrifice for others, the father of the boy seeks or "begs" the father of the girl for his daughter so that his son will be eligible to become a Grihasta and be able to discharge the debts he and the prospective bride owe as mentioned above in perfect partnership.

The Hindu wedding vows also reflect the same: the bride's father asks the groom if he promises to always tread the path of virtue and truth, to desire only those things that are virtuous and truthful and to lead his daughter on the path of truth. The groom makes the promise after invoking the spirits of his forefathers and making them a witness to his promise.

Thus both the man and the wife were two aspects of a very sacred and selfless sacrifice, that is life. As a result of bestowing his virtuous and noble daughter to a virtuous and noble man, the bride's father and seven generations of his ancestors as well as her mother and seven generations of her ancestors are said to be freed from all past karma and find eternal salvation.

It is expected that both the bride and the groom always remember the seriousness of the institution of marriage and its purpose, which is why you find the concept of PIW is so, for lack of a better word, unbelievably harsh. However, the fact is most dudes forget that their end of the bargain is harsher, and insist on imposing the rules only on the wife.

This is of course an aberration that I as a devout hindu, find hard to tolerate. Virtue and morality begins with the self. Set the self right first, then worry about the PIW and everyone else.

Sharath said...

When viewed from this angle, marriage really is not an individual and personal institution. It was the foundation and building block of society itself. With all the commitments to society, to gods, to parents and ancestors and to nature, and having sworn to honour that commitment forever, there was no going back. Generation after generation, couples lived humbly, truthfully and selflessly for the sake of others.

Hindu scriptures say that society and morality will start to degenerate once the principle of marriage starts disintegrating. And if you really think about it, it is indeed so.

To me, the whole concept is beautiful. The fact that most people do not know this and impose PIW standards on women bollywood style does not mean the concept itself is wrong or flawed (this in response to Gundu White Girl's "imperfect standard" opinion). The problem is not that the standard is imperfect, but the one trying to impose the standard, is not living by it himself, and that the world has become too self centred to appreciate the beauty of selflessness. There are however, a few outdated old fashioned guys like myself who do believe in these values and makes a humble attempt to live life by them. It is very painful when the wife does not wish to reciprocate, but true to the vedic code, we live on trying to be the best husbands we can. The meaning of the word "Bharta" or husband, is one who bears the burden. Of virtue, as well as the lack of it.